The basics of a relationship are to work as a support system for one another and to gain comfort from each other. The difference between healthy and abusive relationships is that healthy relationships bring out the best in people.
Junior Ashley Barley said, “Even though my boyfriend and I have a few fights every now and then, he always encourages me to be the best form of me and that is how I know that I am not at risk of being in an abusive relationship.”
The lines between healthy and abusive should be clear. No relationship should be based on fear or violent behavior. In the beginning of many unhealthy relationships, abusers come on strong as loving to their partners. At first, they may show lots of attention and agreeableness. Eventually, affection and attention soon become obsessively unhealthy.
Dating abuse can happen to anyone. There is no one type of abuser. Abusers cannot be distinguished based solely on appearance. No one can predict who will become a victim or an abuser.
There are signs that indicate one may be currently in an abusive relationship. If a significant other has a short temper, gets jealous easily, exaggerates fights or has control issues, one is strongly advised to reevaluate the relationship.
One should also be aware of friends who may be victims of abusive relationships. If a friend becomes isolated from family and friends, does not enjoy the activities that she used to enjoy, spends excessive amounts of time with her partner, changes her looks, becomes nervous when running late or constantly cancels plans, there is a possibility that she is a victim. An anonymous sophomore said, “Last year, one of my friends was in an abusive relationship. I wanted to get her out of the relationship but every time I brought up her boyfriend, she got uncomfortable and changed the subject.”
There are ways to assist friends who are victims. Being a friend to a victim is one of the most challenging tasks a friend will ever have. Victims need to know that they can rely on their friends to understand and not judge or lecture about the situation.
Friends should not blame the abuser or the victim for what has happened. Instead of criticizing the relationship, they should try to show those actions that can be understood as obsessive in order to help the victim realize the situation that she may be in. If a friend becomes aware of the unhealthy state of the relationship, she may need encouragement to leave the relationship. Friends, however, should not force her to do things she does not feel comfortable with. It is important to be trustworthy. If friends genuinely believe that a friend’s life is in danger, they should go to an adult. It is not “ratting out” a friend, if one is simply trying to save her from harm.
An anonymous junior said, “When I first found out that my best friend was being hurt by her boyfriend, I wanted to yell at him and get someone to beat him up. But, I then realized that if I acted like that, I would have lost my best friend. She still had feelings for him and if I acted irrationally, she would have felt uncomfortable.”
Teens who are in abusive relationships have a serious problem. Such relationships are becoming more common in high school. It does not take much to know how to be a friend, but it takes a brave person to help a friend in need.
The following hotlines are toll free, confidential and available 24/7:
LoveIsRespect.org (National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline)
1.866.331.9474
